My Man Grabbed My Throat Over a Minor Argument Should I Break Up With Him?

Maybe you are in this kind of abusive relationship just like Rita and contemplating whether to stay or break up.

 This article is for you if you fall into either category.

When you have an abusive partner you have two choices to make; the decision to forgive and stay with the partner or break up and save yourself from imminent harm that may accrue from the relationship. If quitting is the option you will be bothered about the best way to break up the relationship or marriage.


Rita just like other women met her Fiancée a year ago and his sweet tongue and persona convinced her to get into a relationship and they have been dating since then. They shared all the buzz that comes with love and the hitches as well. She has been abused severally by her man but the undying love she had for him beclouded her sense of judgment despite the incessant abuses and now she is confused about the best step to take. Her love for him urges her to endure and stay but deep down she fears she might lose her life by staying.


Rita contacted me via inbox asking for my opinion and gave permission for me to write about her so she can get advice from my audience and also to provide a learning opportunity for others in similar shoes to learn.


According to her story, her most recent ordeal was when recently a minor argument ensued and he got so furious and gave her a choke-slam. He grabbed her throat and held it so tight that he almost snuffed out life from her. Her saving grace was a neighbor that suspected something fishy was going on and came for her rescue.


This got her so scared that she quickly called off the relationship immediately. The now remorseful Fiancée realized himself and turned cold. He pleaded forgiveness, promising not to do it again like he did in time past and still resulted in violence as the opportunity presented.

Types of Abuse in Relationship:

The first time you heard of the word abuse what was the first thing that came to your mind was some form of physical violence, to some extent this is true but then this isn’t all there is to abuse in a relationship. People in relationships, dating or married can abuse their partners in different forms, and oftentimes you find the male character in the relationship abusing the female. Also, we have pockets of cases where the male partner suffers the abuse. In cases like this, you find the woman is the breadwinner and suffers some forms of these abuses.

Abuse that people suffer in relationships comes in four different forms.

1.  You can be physically abused

The partner suffers intentional harm or contact from the other with the ability to cause pains, injury, disability, or leading to death.

2. Verbal and Emotional Abuse

This type is nonphysical, can come as insults, threats, stalking, or over-protection. Sometimes it can be when your partner denies you attention or fails to meet your emotional needs.

3. You can be abused financially

This is usually more subtle but equally harmful. Your partner fails to intervene financially when they have the means.

4. Denial

break up
Your abusive partner denies you use of digital technologies. Partner can confiscate your phones for suspicion that you’re in communication with other people that might put their position at risk or they deny you use of social media and other platforms. They can even deny you social gatherings or even accept a new job or further your education.


Rita recognized her condition as Abuse but considered forgiving him and remaining in the relationship for some reason. These are similar to why other sufferers of abuse remain in abusive relationships and I will be discussing them below.


Reasons People Stay in Abusive Relationships

1. People may normalize their partner’s bad behavior and fail to understand their plight and in turn blame these sufferers of abuses if the relationship eventually fails. Some will be quick to pass judgments on these sufferers attributing the failed relationship to them is difficult and unable to keep a healthy relationship especially when these break ups happen in successions. This same reason explains why some women will remain in an abusive relationship because of what the public will say. Sometimes public opinion can unfairly blame the sufferer.

2.  She’s scared of starting afresh after suffering a series of emotional torture or physical abuses. Getting abused too often can break your defenses and make you vulnerable, even depleting your self-esteem. This can even make the sufferer fail to realize their ordeal. Some go as far as taking blame and responsibility for their partner’s action. For example, you’d hear women say, I know if I stop annoying him, he’d be better and more caring.  This paints a typical picture of a master-slave relationship where the oppressed in this case the slave enjoys the oppression of the master.

3.  The honeymoon phase of abuse

After abuse comes some honeymoon or honeymoon-like phase of reconciliation. At this stage, your partner tries to make up for their wrongdoing. They take you shopping, to your favorite restaurant or club. Some will most likely give you an electrifying s*x just to make up for their wrongdoing. Some partners will break the bank and send you some jaw-dropping credit alert as a way to say sorry. Remember money sometimes can be the best apology. Seeing your once arrogant and proud abusive partner at your beacon trying to buy your forgiveness comes with some ambiance of sweet-scented feeling. This can make you feel real good, forget your pains, and can even trick your mind and before you know it you will find delight in his abuses because of the soothing apologies that come with each episode.

4. Sometimes it’s more dangerous to leave

Quitting abusive relationships or marriage may prove very difficult sometimes not just for the emotions involved but the fear that you might lose your life. An abusive partner may go all out to unleash a deadly attack on you after breaking up; this can be life-threatening or lead to some form of permanent disability. W heard of people who redesigned their former partner’s face with acid because they asked to break a break up. The real danger of this kind of relationship is expected in the immediate post-break-up period and that is if you survive the abuse to even get a successful parting. In the latter part of this post, we’ll be talking about how to protect yourself from an abusive partner after a break up.

5. Breaking up is hard

our several attempts to end it and move on with your life can become counterproductive, People can make up to 8 attempts before they finally quit. It is what is because of the emotions involved and the fact that humans are prone to make excuses, hoping to change their partners for the better.

6. Society pressure you to stay.

Society urges people to make it or die while trying to make it They want you to go beyond a reasonable doubt before you can call it to quit. If you quit too early they say you’re impatient if you wait too long, the same society blames you for hanging in for too long. In this case, you just have to take a stand as you can’t please everyone. Loyalty to your partner is good virtue but don’t subject yourself to untold harm just to prove how loyal you are. Someone that truly loves you won't delight in your pains and won't go all out to hurt you except they have psychological needs and need urgent referral to their psychiatrists or psychologists.

7. Blaming yourself for partners abuse

As earlier mentioned, guilt has a way of keeping you from seeking real freedom. The abuser will most likely gaslight and make you feel guilty for their actions. You’ll hear things like, they slapped you because you called for it and likes. Abuse with its inherent ability to cause harm is abuse and you should open your eyes to see clearly. Don’t sugarcoat it as this will prevent you from being bundled back home to your parents as a corpse or with a severe disability.

8. They believe they can change things

Some sufferers of Abuse hang in for too long because they believe everything in life is fixable. But the truth is even a mechanic can't fix all the problems of a car likewise one doctor cant manage all the illnesses a patient has. The love you have for your partner will make you feel if you stay a little longer things will take a different shape and your partner will become a different person. Others attribute their partner’s abuse to economic hardship saying if they had better fortunes things would be different. The truth is when we are in lack we throw tantrums occasionally but then someone that genuinely loves you won't be in that place where they constantly transfer aggression to you rather your loving arms will soothe his soul. Don’t make unnecessary excuses and remain in a toxic relationship where you’re hoping for your partner to turn a new leaf.

9. Society makes you responsible for the perfect relationship

We can’t completely erase the fact that there is what to do to achieve your best in every facet of life, relationship inclusive. The relationship involves constant and unrelenting efforts from two people to make it work. Don’t endure harmful abuses just to make it work.

How to deal with Abusive relationships

Just like Rita is facing I’ll rightly advise her to take the following important steps and make important considerations.

1. Consider ending it now

Grabbing your throat over some minor argument is a huge red flag, if he can go that far to hurt you means if you forgive and move on with him, he’ll come back stronger and even do more. Each time you insist on putting up with acts of violence like this you unknowingly tell him to bring more on. Asking to live at this moment is a very smart move at least you will be leaving the relationship alive.

2. Don’t accept he did it in anger

True people do nasty things when they are angry but not to the extent of hurting your partner. Never accept the excuses he’ll give as the reason he abused you physically and otherwise. I think you deserve better and shouldn’t risk your life just to keep a relationship. I get angry as well but can’t grab even my dog by the neck even when it seems am losing it. So try not to accept that excuse.

3. Leave him for his own good

Ending the relationship is the best way to realize he should not go physical on anyone and if he must avoid raising his finger on someone he loves. This will help mold him into a more gentle and better personality. Actions you know speak loudest compared to words. Staying back after physical violence will make him feel you are helpless and can bear any shit that comes from him. Breaking up with him will help him fulfill his promise of becoming a better person with someone else that is if he’ll truly change. Change does drop from the sky cheaply, you have to make a firm call for what you want. Don’t wait at the corner trying to light your candle, move while it's still noon. He probably has normalized violence against women and should be taught the bitter lessons to change his mind. Breaking up can be hectic but the work done usually show good results in the end.


4. There is someone better for you

Lots of gentlemen who can love you better are out there so I see no reason why you should choose to remain in a toxic relationship. No matter the amount of sorry they say, it is usually very hard for this kind of abusive partner to change for you except some omniscient intervention is involved.  

5. Your life is in your hands

It's time to run very far before he kills you. You can’t compare the pains of heartbreak to losing your life or a vital part of you. I know of a family friend that had a fatal accident because her abusive partner then tampered with her car brakes which later failed and left her with severe disability from a road traffic accident. It took some years for him to own up he was the cause of her pains. The moment she knew was the last we heard of the relationship. If you don’t accord yourself the necessary respect then nobody else will.

A partner that grabs you by the neck can kill you if the opportunity presents itself. It's a vicious cycle that can escalate and get worse as the day goes by. Put your physical safety above love and this abusive relationship.

6. You dodge a bullet by leaving

Ask yourself if becoming abusive even when one is angry is acceptable behavior, if the answer is no then know that your leaving has saved your head from an imminent missile. You have dodged a bullet and saved your life by that bold act of walking away.

Abuse in any of its forms isn't acceptable and you should seek freedom early.

7. Remain in the relationship on one condition:

This one condition for continuing the relationship is simple. If you want to get yourself killed continue in this deadly vicious cycle.

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